change.

I came across this the other day. Something I  wrote back in February last year.  Funny how things change and how my view of change changes.

Is a love that’s lost no love at all? Cause sometimes things aren’t always as they seem. Things change. Whether you ask for it or not, things cannot stay the same. Where would the world be if there was no change?

Sometimes people change.

Sometimes your circumstances change.

And sometimes your heart just changes.

Maybe you don’t want it to, but maybe you don’t have a choice.

And then, when you think you have gotten used to the change and your heart has moved on, things change again.

And your heart is brought back to that place again — where you wised that nothing would change, and you were just so content – in that moment. You thought that nothing could ever change.

Your heart had never felt that way before – with every breath – breathing it in deeper and deeper – allowing love to overflow… until…

Things change. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t want it. You thought that your heart was open; open to love, open to give, open to be yourself. And it was. Until you were hurt.

Where do you go from here? How do you move and flow with this change? How do you pretend like everything is okay? Can you? Should you? What other choice do you have when things have changed? And nothing will ever be the same.

How do you open your heart again? How do you trust again? When the cause for your hurt is still there. Here.

The cause didn’t mean to cause the hurt. Maybe this is just the way it has to be.

What do you do with a broken heart? when there is no one and everything has changed?

But. But, there is One who heals. There is One who never changes. Never hurts. Never leaves. There is One who always loves, always protects and always remains faithful.

So what do you do with a broken heart? You allow the One who caused your heart to beat heal it.

What do you do when you lose a love who you never really loved? You finally begin to fall in love with your One True, First Love.

Then, and only then do things begin to change. But you have to hold on to the change cause sometimes the hurt comes back and your heart begins to ache and you once again are taken back to that place where you wished nothing would ever change. But you can hold on to the hope that one day you will have that again.And this time it will be a love that is never lost. But first, you have to find your First Love. He never changes.

A year of new beginnings

Every year (okay maybe just the past 2 or 3 years) on my birthday I ask God what the coming year holds. What does He have for me? Any specific words about the coming season in my life? What does He want to do? Where does He want me to go?

This year on my birthday (my 21st!!), I asked God what this year holds. You want to know what He told me?

… “This is a year of new beginnings”.

Ok. What does that look like? I have no flippin’ idea.

I’ve been pondering that thought since I’ve been home because in a lot of ways everything here seems new, or at least different. I’m different. People are different. I’ve been gone for 3 years. That’s a long time. Some things are still the same, they never change but yet at the same time they do because people change. People are always evolving; their character develops (good or bad), their views change,their relationship status, career, dreams, vision, fears, whatever it may be, you fill in the blank. People change and therefore things change. It’s what makes people, people. Imagine how incredibly boring life would be if things never changed! God has created us with the ability to adapt to change. Some people have a greater ability to do so than others but we all have the ability to adapt.

So, in being home (even just one week) I have seen this. Things change. And when you’re gone for 3 years you miss out on that changing process. It’s kind of weird to step back into things when you have changed, people have changed and therefore everything you once knew has changed. I’m not saying this is bad. It’s just new. And what did God tell me about this year? It would be a year of new beginnings. It’s exciting, standing on the edge of something new, a lot of somethings new. I have very little idea of what this year holds but I do know that it’s new, things do change but God’s always the same. I’m so thankful for that.

So here’s to change. Whatever the future holds we can be sure that change will occur and there’s no need to fear because we know He holds the world in His hands.

An end and a beginning

It has been a crazy few days. Getting back from Thailand, unpacking, organizing my life, re-packing, and debriefing. I’ve just been going and going. If I were to stop I don’t think I’d be able to get going again. I’m just exhausted. But it has been great!

My family came down to Tyler on Saturday night. So amazing seeing them again. Breathing a sigh of relief just being able to give them a hug again, seeing my sister and how grown up she is. Craziness. There’s just something about being with your family that just makes you feel safe, comforted… at home. It’s wonderful.

Sunday night was graduation. I never thought that day would come. But it did and it was very rewarding — knowing that God was the One who carried me through this year and because of Him I was able to persevere. I also shared about my time in Thailand in front of about 200 people. (Something that would have terrified me just a few short years ago!) It was such an awesome opportunity to be able to share some of what God taught me in Thailand and how He’s working there.

Yesterday I said goodbye to the place I called home for a year. That is something that has become very familiar for me – goodbyes. For the past 3 years I have been planting, settling, uprooting and replanting over and over again. On one hand it has been incredible and I’ve truly enjoyed everywhere God has taken me but at the same time it is also very challenging. It’s difficult having to say goodbye to people and places over and over again. Right now I’m just really excited about all that God has in store for this coming season. I have such an expectation for what God wants to do!

Right now my family and I are enjoying a couple short days in Memphis, Tennessee — just taking our time in driving home. It has been so lovely spending time with them, hanging out, sharing stories, reminiscing and making new memories

God is so good.

 

Love involves risk

Love always involves risk. Love is a choice. If there were no choice in love it would not be love. In love there is always the risk of being rejected.  You cannot force someone to love you. Love is [choosing] the highest good for another. The key – choosing.

God gave us free will. We have the ability to choose. We can either choose to love Him and live in the purpose we were created for – loving Him and being loved by Him, or we can reject Him.

Can you imagine how it completely shatters God’s heart when someone He created to love rejects His love? It happens all the time. Every day people choose to walk away from the only perfect love they could ever find. Every day people reject the One who will always love them unconditionally.

So, God takes this risk every day. Why? Because it’s worth it. I think God thinks it’s worth the risk even if only one person chose to love Him wholeheartedly. Even if everyone else rejected Him it would be worth it for the one. God takes this risk because He values our love. He wants us to choose Him because we see who He really is – we see His character; His righteousness, mercy, love, faithfulness, truthfulness, wisdom and holiness. When we begin to see who God really is, that He is always perfectly loving and wise in everything that He does how can we not love Him? Everything He does is just and true.

I’m so thankful God chooses to take the risk in loving us and that He continually chooses to love us.

God allowed me to see this whole ‘love is a risk’ thing a little more clearly in my last couple days in Thailand. Mae, the girl we had been ministering to all month just up and left the day before we came back to the States. We had some great conversation this past week. God was really speaking to her and she was beginning to see truth and that God really does love her. I could also sense the battle over her soul. Such a clear picture of light vs. darkness. I’m not sure what happened or what was going through her head, but she just left. No goodbye.

All God asked me to do was to love her. To stay by her side and love her like He loves her. Well, love involves risk.

Was it worth it? Was it worth it to just love her and have her walk away? Yeah. I know she heard truth. I know she was beginning to see what love really is. And I believe she was starting to see and maybe even believe that she is valuable. That’s worth it. One day she’ll come to know Jesus and be fully known by Him. He is so relentless in His pursuit of her – of every one that’s lost.

It was worth it – investing in her life for an entire month just to have her walk away. It was worth the risk because she’s worth it and God takes a risk in loving me every day.

“There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear.”

I don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to be afraid that God will stop loving you. That’s not possible. God is love. He will always choose to take the risk in loving you. Loving Him is not risky because He’s the only One who is completely faithful and perfectly loving. He’ll always choose to love you. That’s amazing.

Will I choose to take the risk in loving others like Jesus loves them even if in the end they’ll walk away?

They’re worth it.

You’re worth it.

And above all else, Jesus is worthy of our love. Yours. Mine. And everyone in the world.

He deserves to be loved by the ones He chose to risk everything for.

Thailand update

5 more days in Thailand. Crazy.

Once again I’m not full of words but I thought a little update would be good : )

This week hasn’t been all that I expected but God’s showing me that even if things aren’t what I expected it doesn’t mean it’s not meeting His expectations. He’s also showing me that His expectations are the only expectations I should seek to meet.

Even if I can’t see all that God is doing I know He’s working. He always is.

In the time that I’ve spent in Thailand I’ve been able to see God’s pursuit of one that He loves. I’ve seen how relentless He is in His pursuit of those who are not living in relationship with Him – the Lover of their soul. Such a beautiful thing to see and be a part of. Humbling.

God keeps whispering, “I want you to see how BIG I am.” What if we lived each day with that in mind – “God, today I want to see how big You are.” God wants us to live knowing how big He is, He deserves to be known for who He is and how big He is.

Side note – a couple more lessons learned from Thailand: 1) stay away from the mystery meat street vendors sell, 2) having 2 coffees in one day is not the best idea for Jessica, 3) tuk tuks (little taxi things, like rickshaws in India) can probably fit at least 5 Asians with plenty of breathing room, but barely 1 Asian, 2 Americans and 1 Aussie, 4) strangely enough one thing I’m really looking forward to back home is ice water with lemon. Ha.

Well, with that, I’m signing off. : )

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Thoughts and lessons learned from Thailand

2 weeks in to our time in Thailand!

I’m really not full of words right now but I wanted to share a few thoughts from our time here so far.

God is really. really. big.

Americans are a lot bigger, taller, and louder and Thai people.

Pad Thai is simply delightful. (unless it comes with tentacles)

Exploring new cities – one of my favorite things.

God’s love really does have the power to transform lives. He is the only One who loves perfectly.

There is more to someone’s life than meets the eye.

When it rains here it REALLY rains.

Sticky rice, coconut milk and mango might be the best thing I’ve ever tasted.

Sometimes we can’t always see what God is doing or why He brought us to a place but we can always trust that He is faithful and His word stands.

Don’t put your own expectations on what you think is gonna happen or what you think should happen. Sometimes God has different ideas, and His ideas are always better.

Relentless love

Been in Thailand for 7 days now. Getting adjusted. The whole getting over jet lag thing was quite a process but we’re doing well. Simply being here has been a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness. I remember just a few months ago wondering if we would actually make it to Thailand. So everyday, waking up here is a reminder that God is faithful to bring about His promises, big and small. Every day is another chance to see God in a new way. He has been showing me that the fruit from our time in Thailand may not be seen right away, but He just wants us to trust that He is working. We might not see all that He is doing, but He is doing something and I have a feeling that that something is pretty great!

God keeps whispering, ever so gently, that He does have a reason for bringing me to Thailand. Whether I can see it or not, or if it is something as simple as praying one prayer in one place, at one time, or giving one encouraging word or one smile to one person, it doesn’t matter what it is. He has a purpose in bringing me here, in bringing my team here. We may be only 3, but there may be only 1 that He brought us here for.

I believe I have met that 1, and God is giving us opportunity after opportunity to shower her with God’s love. As we sat and talked with her today, talking about how God loves — how passionately, unconditionally, how powerfully and relentlessly, God was giving me an even deeper revelation of His love. This is truth. This is reality. Without God we cannot understand love. He is love. He is the One who gives us a love that is pure. And it is only through a knowledge of Him that we will be able to love others relentlessly, unconditionally and with purity. Even if God brought me half way around the world just to tell this 1 girl that God really does love her, it’s all worth it. Only God would send someone 9,000 miles just to say “I love you. I always have. I always will, and I just want you to know that I won’t relent until I have it all. I want all of your heart. All of your love and all of your devotion.” How beautiful is that? And God would do that for anyone. Just to say “I love you and you’re Mine.”

I feel like this is just the beginning of one girl’s love story with Jesus. Pray that God would speak directly to her and reveal Himself in such a powerful way. Pray that she would experience how strong God’s love is.

My prayer is that you, wherever you are, would experience God’s love — His relentless, powerful, gentle, unconditional and earth shattering love. A love that has no bounds.

Thailand — Day 2

We have arrived in Thailand! What a journey it has been already! It took us about 40 hours of traveling to get here. But we made it!

On Tuesday afternoon we drove to Dallas, stayed overnight (didn’t actually sleep much though), took a shuttle to the airport around 3:30 am on Wednesday, flew from Dallas to San Fran, had a 4 hour layover there, flew 10 hours to Tokyo, got off the plane, went through security, got back on the same plane, flew to Bangkok (6 hours), had a 8 hour layover (overnight), didn’t sleep at all but had a great time (bonding with Jesus) sitting at Starbucks for about 4 hours, flew to Chiang Mai, and arrived at WonGen Cafe around 8:30am on Friday.

Yeah. It was a long trip.

The past few days have kind of been a blur. We have been in a daze – exhausted, jet lagged, adjusting to a new country (exactly halfway around the world), new culture, climate, food, language… everything is different and just takes time to adjust. But it has been so great being in a new country again. I’ve missed foreign countries (a lot!).

We have already sensed such a spiritual darkness over this place… oppression, strongholds, fear. It has been hectic. But we have also been very encouraged and blessed just knowing that there are so many people praying for us. That is really what is carrying us through. So, thank you for praying!

A few really cool things God has shown me in the past few days – His is bigger and brighter than any darkness. (This is something I’ve known but also something I really feel like He’s gonna show me during my time in Thailand). There is no reason to fear – darkness is a light to Him and He has given us His light to carry. He is also showing me that even if I don’t feel prepared or equipped for what is coming, I am because I am walking with Him and He is the One who equips me.

I have such a sense that God is going to do huge things during this time. I also feel like it is really going to break me. He is going to give me more of His heart and a burden for specific things. He keeps telling me “It’s gonna be wild. It’s gonna be great. It’s gonna be full of Me.”

So, right now, day 2 — I am so pumped for what God is going to do in this time. I’m pretty sure it’s going to blow me away!

an attempt at gathering my thoughts

Lecture phase – completed. (I never thought this day would come!)

Final project (Commentary, historical background, Greek translation, and word study on the book of Ephesians) – completed, handed in, graded and returned.

Campus clean-up week – done… all 4 days of blood, sweat, and tears

Evenings full of The Office, games, movies, ice cream and laughs – oh yeah

End of the year dinner and party – check

Packing up my life (once again) – working on it

Successfully turning 21 – yup (and was completely blessed by friends and family all over the world!)

Preparing for outreach – working on that… the excitement is building!

Being completely blown away by my Love – continually

God is so beautiful.

I was so blessed this week thinking back over this year, with all of its challenges, ups and downs, lessons learned, relationships built and relationships sustained, prayers prayed and prayers answered, dreams implanted and desires fulfilled, mindsets changed and a foundation of truth laid. What a year it has been! God is so faithful. So good.

Leaving for Thailand in 3 days! I am so excited to see what God is going to do during our time in Thailand. He has been giving me more and more of His heart as I seek Him. Pray for protection, strength, health, discernment and unity within our group. Pray also for the hearts of those we will be ministering to to be open and ready for a flood of God’s love and grace! Pray that we would walk in His light and be able to push back the powers of darkness.

“Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world!”

God wants to reveal Himself to the Thai people as a personal God, as their Father. He longs to be known for who He really is and wants them to know who they are in Christ — to be firmly rooted and grounded in His love for them. That is where we find our security. Pray that God would fill our mouths with His words and that we would do nothing from our own initiative, but only that which God asks of us. It’s going to be great!!

“…that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length, and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:14-9

 

Thailand!!

Just 2 weeks until I’ll be leaving for Thailand! Crazy how time flies isn’t it?!

God has been so incredibly faithful in providing for this outreach. It has been quite the battle up until this point — just pressing on to really seek God’s heart and continue believing that what God has promised He is also faithful to bring it about. I know that God has such huge hopes and dreams for this outreach in Chiang Mai. He desires to pour out His light, love and justice on the people of Thailand!

It is still kind of hard for me to believe that in just 14 short days I’ll be boarding a plan on my way to Thailand! I am ready. In some ways… but I still have nothing packed and a ton of prep work to do before I leave. Ha. But I’m ready It has been almost 1 year since these feet have left American soil, and in my opinion that is just too long! I am just itching to travel, to experience something new, to see God’s heart for another nation, to see what He wants to teach me and what He wants to do through my team and I. It’s gonna be flippin’ amazing!

Thank you for your continued prayers and support in making this possible. I’m so blessed to have such amazing friends and family standing with me in bringing about God’s plans, desires and purposes in His world!

Floating Lanterns Festival in Chiang Mai Thailand